Have you ever had a cut that was so deep that it's left a scar? I have one on my right index finger from opening a tuna can about 10 years ago. I also have chicken pox scars that are little white dots.
But then I have scars that nobody sees. Sometimes I don't see them. But most days I'm reminded of them. Lately they've been showing up a lot. But these aren't physical scars.
I'm talking about the emotional scars from my miscarriages. They have weighed heavy on my heart lately. There really hasn't been a day that's gone by since May 2, 2007 that I haven't thought about them in one way or another. Sometimes it's because I realize a due date of one of those babies has gone by, or the anniversary of when we lost a baby has come. A lot of times it's just seeing my little girl because I realize just how blessed we are to have her. Two years ago I had just about lost hope of ever having a baby. And now we're about to celebrate Shaylin's first birthday.
Sometimes the reality of what we went through hits me. We lost six babies. Six. I don't know what it is but there are just times when that hits hard. Like when I scheduled our birthing class last year & the lady on the phone asked if it was my first pregnancy. I said that it was my 7th pregnancy but first healthy baby. I couldn't even finish that sentence without chocking up.
These scars also have been made me afraid of the future. It's no secret that we want as many children as God will give us. And as much as I want to be hopeful that future pregnancies will go as smoothly as my pregnancy with Shaylin was, I can't help but be scared. A friend once told me that once you go through one miscarriage you will always be scared, no matter how many babies you have. And even though I didn't have any complications with Shaylin I will still be high-risk. I always will be.
I know that God is in control. If He allows us to have more babies, then it will be a blessing. But if He chooses to close that door, then we will still be blessed because Shaylin is already more than I thought we'd ever get.
These scars are ugly. And sometimes painful. But these scars also remind me of what God has brought us through & how He can answer prayer. And for that I will gladly wear these scars.