I decided to wait until after today's doctor's appointment before giving a pregnancy update. I haven't been overly worried but still nervous from time to time.
We had a 2nd sonogram today. The one from 2 weeks ago was very early so we didn't see the baby. I knew we wouldn't but that was still hard. But today almost right away we saw a "mass" that was our baby. At this point the baby's arms & legs are beginning to form. That's hard to see on a sonogram though, so it looks like a big mass. But we could still see where the head is & see arm buds on the side & best of all, saw a tiny heartbeat. And we heard it! As much as just seeing the baby gave me a sigh of relief, hearing the heartbeat sent me to tears. It's just beautiful! The only thing more beautiful will be his/her first cry.
So why was I so nervous about this sonogram despite the nausea I've had for over a week now? It just still seems surreal to me. For so long I felt like I was just the woman who had miscarriages. Then I had a baby. So in some strange way I still feel like I'm "supposed" to have more miscarriages before I can have another baby.
Another strange thing that went through my head was fear that this pregnancy would end like my 1st one did. With that one I had a sonogram at 5 1/2 weeks & we saw nothing but thought it was too early. A week later we still saw nothing & knew we lost the baby. So somehow in my warped thinking I feared that this would be like my 1st pregnancy, like we were starting all over again. Granted, I didn't have near the kind of symptoms then that I have now.
Now I just feel so blessed. Nauseous, too. But most of all blessed. It was a long, hard road to have a baby. And as much as we wanted more babies, we knew that if Shaylin was all God chose to give us that would still be more than we once thought we'd get. So now to be 8 months away from having a 2nd baby, it's just overwhelming.